CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.
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*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well