Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.

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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice


[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*


Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.


Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is


ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day


Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.


I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.


My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well