In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
You Might Also Like
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.