Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.

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The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…


i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks


When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.


I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.


Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does


[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six


I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.


She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”