director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
How software testing works
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.