hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.