Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Drinking alone last week
– i “have a problem”
Drinking alone today at 11 am
– saving your nana’s life
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
5-year-old: A horse.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense