funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.


I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids


Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?


Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me


When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.


Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities


When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”


I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone


Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.


It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.