I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Just a reminder, folks:
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*