funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Spring cleaning checklist…
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Support your local cemetery
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”