@kidphonic

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

- @kidphonic

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

@brendohare

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

@inigoomontoya

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

@FineThingsNLife

Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.

Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.

@calamitydaisy

I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.

@duplicitron

Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

@pilau

An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit

@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT

@RoosterMustache

[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me