My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
every college guy’s fridge
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*