funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
#Caturday
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok