@rezox

funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.

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@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@sweetandweak

Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

@better_off_dad

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@16bitbulbasaur

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

@TheRolo

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

@KenJennings

You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”