
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?
I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?