Funny women are smart. Be careful.

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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.



GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*


Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
Got any bread?


I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.


Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.


If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.


If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them


[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?