@BlackenedTrail

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

- @BlackenedTrail

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@joshraclaw

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

@rysox80

Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.

@EamonToPlease

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

@meaghano

a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend

@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!

@alli_win

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

@EJT___

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

@junejuly12

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

@McGrumpenstein

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?