@BlackenedTrail

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

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@birbigs

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

@ShortSleeveSuit

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

@racistduck

Me: Got any bread?
Barman: No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No. Ask again, I nail your beak to the bar
Got any nails?
No
Got any bread?

@Freudianscript

I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@Sassafrantz

If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.

@longwall26

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

@PhuckinCody

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?