@BlackenedTrail

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

@Kryzazy

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

@PaperWash

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

@MyPornKhan

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

@kumailn

“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.

@mom_tho

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

@thepunningman

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.