Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?