The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
??? ????’? ??? ????
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.