@BlackenedTrail
@RickAaron
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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@RickAaron
@NurseMurderer
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
@RxitWounds
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
@ArfMeasures
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
@_steamy_mac
Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?
@markydoodoo
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
@KentWGraham
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
@causticbob
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
@SatansTongue
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
??? ????’? ??? ????
@PinkCamoTO
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.