Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

- @BlackenedTrail

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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.


Uh oh, happy facebook newlywed, your husband just created a twitter account.


My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?


a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend


My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!


I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.


I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.


The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.


CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here


Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?