@Zhanny001

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

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@gvicks

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

@saraheliza83

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

@ShortSleeveSuit

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

@AndyAsAdjective

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

@jollyrobber

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@thebitchyfairy

My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.