Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Whisper out to librarians!
My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.