@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Stop it! 😂
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice