Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
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My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
No, YOUR illiterate.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.