Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger