Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Where are you going?
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…