Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*


I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.


Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then


British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same


People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.


Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.


[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox


14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’


Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…