@Fred_Delicious

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

@mrjohndarby

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@living_marble

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

@IamEnidColeslaw

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

@DothTheDoth

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.