Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
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Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah