Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…