Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.
uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!” – aaaaaaaaand hospital.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Well played, Sky Comedy. Well played.