@murrman5

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

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@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@usermcuserface

You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.

@iamspacegirl

uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
Yea
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene

@AngelaEhh

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.