[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175