@TheRobCee

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

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@Mom_Overboard

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

@jergarl

I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

@HandyJack420

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

@fro_vo

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

@TheAndrewNadeau

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

@dafloydsta

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

@RealBobMortimer

FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00

@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@CulturedRuffian

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children