[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.