Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
How software testing works
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.