@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

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@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@prufrockluvsong

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

@ArfMeasures

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@Heissarcastic

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

@sssub23

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@Kyle_Lippert

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

@_roryturnbull

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.