FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.


them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks


Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run


Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.


Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi


I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….


Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.


“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]


Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.