FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*