FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.