Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
You Might Also Like
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.