future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
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I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*