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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’m not wrong
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
when someone rings the doorbell
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner