FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

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Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.


Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?


10: Lord of the Rings is awesome!
20: Why didn’t they take the Eagles the whole way?
30: They should’ve just lost the damn Ring down the sink.


My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.



Me watching recorded TV shows


The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.


Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.