@neiltyson

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

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@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@dadanddisorderl

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

@GeauxSaints79

Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

@ozzyunc

10: Lord of the Rings is awesome!
20: Why didn’t they take the Eagles the whole way?
30: They should’ve just lost the damn Ring down the sink.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@SuperJuanderer

The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.