FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
😂🤣😂🤣
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby