somewhere, in an alternate universe
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.