FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.


I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.


Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod


DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?


Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures


The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever


*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.