@seamussaid

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

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@OrangeFact

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@P_o_n_k

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

@Phook75

Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures

@isabelzawtun

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.