FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
this is the best day of my life
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please