FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
omg leave her alone
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late