FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested