FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers