FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.