FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD