FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

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Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What


Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.


My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”


My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.


“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.


ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]


i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries


Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.


Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.