G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.