@randypaint

gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic

everyone: how

gal gadot: do u like john lennon

everyone: no

gal gadot: imagine if u did tho

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@chloethesiren

My mom watched a whole season of Call the Midwife thinking it was The Handmaid’s Tale. Then she watched Handmaid’s Tale and she still didn’t understand it was a different show. I asked how can you think these two things are the same and she said “The red sweaters.”

@JanineEB4

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

@ThisOneSayz

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

@humanaaron

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@ObscureGent

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

@JeffisTallguy

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever