@randypaint

gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic

everyone: how

gal gadot: do u like john lennon

everyone: no

gal gadot: imagine if u did tho

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@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@SentenceReduced

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

@MollyCocktail

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

@Dutch_50

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

@BrassBallsCJ

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

@jonnysun

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER