Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
gal gadot: i will fix this virus panic
gal gadot: do u like john lennon
gal gadot: imagine if u did tho
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve