@TheToddWilliams

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

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@LostFelicia

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

@sad_tree

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

@Parkerlawyer

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

@sixfootcandy

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

@iwearaonesie

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@FlashyPenguin

[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”

@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.

@daemonic3

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure