The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
You Might Also Like
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!