@TheToddWilliams

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

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@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@FrenulumBreve

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

@Holbornlolz

Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”

@WheelTod

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

@TheAlexNevil

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

@TuckerFly1

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@BoomBoomBetty

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.