*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
only 11 steps left
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Saturday
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Twitter remains undefeated
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.