(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
You Might Also Like
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales