*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
live long and prosper!
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.