Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda