Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays