Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2


me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.


For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.


New neighbours just moved in…

I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.


I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long


papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!


Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons


Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.


Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon