There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?
Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.