@bridger_w: Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it's important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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@OrigamiUndies: Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, "excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?"
@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@mommajessiec: I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.