@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

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@Marcmywords2

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

@FunnyTunes

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

@sip_at_home_mom

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

@DeeDeeSpeaks

STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?

@treywafer

Dear white people: you stop Adam Sandler from making movies and we’ll stop Eddie Murphy.

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

@kamiekaymee

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.