Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips