@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

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@iwearaonesie

If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”

@dankmccoy

Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.

@curlycomedy

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

@joekjoek

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

@DancesWithTamis

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.