game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Morning my dudes.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I was bored.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄