If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
gotta love twitter
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.