game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Wait a minute…
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
That’s classic.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic