Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
water it, i dare you
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Sing it!
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*