GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger