GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.


There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”


Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.


when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.


date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]


I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.


“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl


The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.


Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv


[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.