@msdanifernandez

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

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@stefabsky

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

@HowToBeADad

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

@jonnysun

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

@adrianmyreality

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

@OneSockFox

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

@KarenGiannina6

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

@BrassBallsCJ

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

@SteveSuckington

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us