Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

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me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up


My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.


I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.


be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge


My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.


Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it


Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight


In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.


Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body


Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us