Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.


diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.


“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”


My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.


[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews


just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch


dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no


*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.


*doors open*

Dammit Twitter!


If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.


Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.