Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
True
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️