GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Planet of the Apps.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.