[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’